The problem with “BUT”
But
The English word but /bʌt/ has several similar meanings.
The most common use is the conjunction used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned, “he stumbled but didn’t fall”.
Similar words are: yet, nevertheless, however.
An opposite is the word “and”.
There are other meanings in other sentence constructs (Oxford dictionary):
- Conjunction — indicate the impossibility of anything other than what is being stated.
“one cannot but sympathize” - Conjunction — introduce a response expressing a feeling such as surprise or anger.
“but that’s an incredible saving!” - Conjunction — used with repetition of certain words to give emphasis.
“nobody, but nobody, was going to stop her” - Preposition — except; apart from; other than.
“we were never anything but poor” - Adverb — no more than; only
“he is but a shadow of his former self” - Noun — an argument against something; an objection
“no buts — just get out of here” - Conjunction (Older English) — more; further; noting an addition to supplying what is wanting to elucidate, or modify the sense of the preceding part of a sentence, or of a discourse, or to continue the discourse, or to exhibit a contrast.
“Now abide faith, hope, charity, these three; But, the greatest of these is charity.”
1 Corinthians 13:6
As we see, “but” has a meaning.
It almost always negates the preceding sentence and the listener knows it. Remember that communication is what the listener does.
Some sentences might sound slightly weird, and still not cause any issues, such as
- “I love chocolate, but I also love strawberry”
- “We will mostly talk but also do homework”
- “I use mostly GoLang, but also worked with Python and JavaScript”
- “It’s useful for you, but also for your friends”
We use this word too often without thinking.
The problem
The problem starts when we negate others when it’s our turn to speak right after them, shutting down their idea:
- It’s an awesome idea, but what about staffing?
- I understand what you say, but…
- Your feedback is valid, but…
- We could do that, however…
What to do instead?
Use the improv famous “ yes, and…” technique.
Say a positive word or sentence and then state your concern.
“I totally support the idea and would love to know how it will mitigate the risk of…”
“Yes, I can take this task on myself, and I’d love to get guidance on what other task to drop”
It requires practice to reduce the number of buts!
Bonus — ״why?״
The question “Why?” has a strong accusatory and judgmental effect, that causes the listener to become defensive.
Alternatives:
“what led you to that?”
“how so?”
“what did you try to achieve?”
Bonus — Apologizing
A common way to apologize without really apologizing is to put the blame on the person you hurt.
“Sorry if you got offended” / “Sorry if you feel offended by my words”
A real apology: “Sorry I offended you”
“A mistake has been made” — a mysterious passive third party…
Really admitting: “I made a mistake”
“I didn’t have time” — the listener knows you chose to do something else
An honest explanation: “My priority was different”
If it still sounds like some new-age nitpicking, take note of how you feel on the receiving end of a “but”.
